Art Investor’s Forum

by Adam Streeter

As the President of the Utah Chapter of the Society for the Preservation of False Hope, I’ve watched with a concerned eye as confidence in our national economy has plummeted. I’m constantly getting phone calls from people eager to preserve their false hope, wondering just what it is they should be doing with the little money they have left. Real estate is out, and there aren’t even that many great Ponzi schemes left. Therefore, it is my professional opinion that we must look to the art world for our investment returns.

I’m not talking about dropping a few million on a Warhol. The days of record-breaking auctions are over, and it’s time we turn to the unknown artists for real financial security.

All the good unknown artists, however, are horrifically expensive, and if tracking the art world for a whopping seven years has taught me anything, it’s that people love to discover crap and overvalue the hell out of it.

That’s why I suggest you invest all of your money in bad artwork. Hear me out. If you were to take that ten million you were going to spend on an Andy Warhol and, instead, buy 50,000 bad pieces of artwork priced at $200 a piece, imagine how great your odds are that one of those 50,000 artists will make it big! And if one of those 50,000 paintings just so happens to become worth eleven million dollars, you’ve just made yourself a million dollars, and you still have 49,999 other pieces of artwork to do what you will with!

Here are a few pieces to start out with.

Jeremy Chynoweth, The Oasis of my Memory, Pencil on Paper, 2007

This heartfelt piece by Manchester artist Jeremy Chynoweth is priced to sell at $35.00 USD. It is signed and dated by the artist and comes with a certificate of authenticity that he himself typed up using Microsoft WordPad. The COA is also signed by the artist. It may or may not be on acid-free paper, and the artist did receive a B+ on the assignment, which is really not all that bad, is it?

Kevin Jensen, I’m Bored By Most Things, Acrylic on Canvas Board, 2001

This whimsical painting depicting a zombie wearing a rather wry t-shirt is currently sitting in the artist’s mother’s attic. The artist worries that there might be slight water damage, though he hasn’t gone up to check. Don’t be afraid of a bit of water damage–serious collectors will understand that it will stand only as a remnant of this work’s history, which may very well increase its value.

Alisha Sutherland, Bad Dragon!, Gouache on Paper, 1998

The overlooked and oft-maligned genre of fantasy art couldn’t be a better place to invest your money right now. Alisha Sutherland is a starving fantasy artist who works a day job as a phone sex operator. By night, she is Wynterstorme, 79th level Night Elf Druid on World of Warcraft (but she’s only, like, three bars away from being 80.)

For more information about any of these artworks and how you can acquire them, leave your name, telephone number and five-digit Swiss bank account number in the comments. As always, I’m Adam Streeter, President of the Utah Chapter of the Society for the Preservation of False Hope, reminding you that when god closes a door, he opens a fourteenth-story window, and isn’t it about time you took a leap of faith?

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