by Adam
One might argue that a society’s affluence can be determined by the sheer batshit-craziness of its novelties. The more unnecessary and decadent the commodity, the better chance there is that people aren’t dying of malaria in that part of the world. With Things Unnecessary, we scour the depths of QVC, internet shops and Lillian Vernon catalogs to bring you the most unnecessary things you can spend your money on.
For this installment, I present to you the Boku No Sexual Harrassment Cornbrator, Hyper Wank Device. It hails to us from Japan. While I have yet to find a way to get my hands on one of these (ha!) I have not given up the fight, and if any of your clever commenters can figure it out, you will be rewarded with one. It’s on me, so long as you’re willing to divulge your address to me privately so I can ship it to you.
What sets the Cornbrator apart from other hyper wank devices is that the cornbrator looks like corn, and has something to do with sexual harassment (gay sexual harrassment, according to the picture.) I’m assuming the “Wryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” printed on the box is supposed to be some approximation of the sound this cornbrator makes when it leaps into action. I sure hope so, anyway.
Of course, one can’t help but be reminded of Faulkner’s Sanctuary when confronted with corn-related sex toys.
29 responses so far ↓
Bell County // December 8, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Cob salad.
adamstreeter // December 8, 2008 at 1:15 pm
@ BC
Oh, come on. That was just corny.
Bell County // December 8, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Kernel of truth, though.
adamstreeter // December 8, 2008 at 1:17 pm
@ BC
Don’t try and butter me up.
Bell County // December 8, 2008 at 1:18 pm
@Adam
Aw, shucks.
adamstreeter // December 8, 2008 at 1:20 pm
@ BC
I’m starting to suspect more and more that you’re stalking me.
Bell County // December 8, 2008 at 1:22 pm
@Adam
Are we having a row?
adamstreeter // December 8, 2008 at 1:24 pm
@ BC
I’m not pone to that kind of conduct.
miasmaprotege // December 8, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Hominy more times do I have to tell you that no one is amaized by these jokes.
BeRightBack // December 8, 2008 at 1:32 pm
You realize, of course, that the use of “boku” as the possessive subject marker makes this a specifically gay, or at least queer device, as it is used either by men or by women who want to sound like men, so that to own one’s sexual harassment through “boku no” becomes an act of self-reflexive gender masquerade whichever way it works.
Japanese googling has yielded nothing so far but the unearthing of an apparent subculture fascinated with first-person narratives of office ladies gratifying themselves with various vegetables, including corn.
One that I scanned through even went so far as to dwell on the erotic nature of pubic hair that gets caught between the kernels, which reminded me of Freud’s insistence on the erotic nature of dreams involving teeth, which in turn led to my unwilling contemplation of the myriad fetish communities I was suddenly sure of exist ing that celebrate with obsessive single-mindedness the erotics of flossing.
@Bell County: Corn Cob Pipecleaner
helman // December 8, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Come on, you two! We’re all ears.
adamstreeter // December 8, 2008 at 1:35 pm
@ BRB
Ha! I appreciate the scholarship on this issue.
Bell County // December 8, 2008 at 1:38 pm
@miasma protege
Kiss my grits.
rosaluxembourgeoise // December 8, 2008 at 1:40 pm
I’m amaized.
VirusWithShoes // December 8, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Oh Adam: any excuse to post this NIGHT-TERROR IMAGE.
adamstreeter // December 8, 2008 at 2:02 pm
@ Virus
What better way to kick off Things Unnecessary?
miasmaprotege // December 8, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I’ve had enough with all the kernel slanders.
adamstreeter // December 8, 2008 at 2:25 pm
You guys are all a bunch of buttershuckers. I’m going to have a good hyper wank. L8erz!
Bell County // December 8, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Be careful, you might get canned.
miasmaprotege // December 8, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Or end up with some creamed corn.
unfun1 // December 8, 2008 at 2:59 pm
@BRB: “Japanese googling has yielded nothing so far but the unearthing of an apparent subculture fascinated with first-person narratives of office ladies gratifying themselves with various vegetables, including corn.”
Kindly to send me the links please sir, KTHXBAI!
fileunder // December 8, 2008 at 3:35 pm
I totally flaked on this, sorry.
miasmaprotege // December 8, 2008 at 4:09 pm
If this ends I’ll feel a holio in my heart.
fileunder // December 8, 2008 at 5:47 pm
@ miasma
I’m hoping there’ll be polenta more where these came from.
Rene Sance // December 8, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Adam, I didn’t think your parents r’eared you to fritter away your time like this. Please tell me this won’t become a cereal.
(Did you know there is actually a disease called corn smut?)
sarah bellum // December 31, 2008 at 6:45 pm
It’s a reference to a yaoi anime “My sexual harassment” where a character gets fucked with a corn.
I wonder if this cornbrator thing is actually real. I mean this picture is the only one I’ve seen on the internets for far.
Things Unnecessary: USB Humping Dogs « // January 5, 2009 at 2:33 pm
[...] Ever wonder what to do with those extra USB ports you aren’t using? Have you ever thought to yourself, “Hell, I’m not paying for the electric bill here at the office. Why conserve?” Are you a fan of canine-based sex humor? If you said yes to any of these, the USB humping dog from ThinkGeek is for you! I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking this is just a fun and cheeky way to spruce up USB flash drives, similar to the sushi drives that made their debut a few years ago. Well, these don’t actually hold any data! They have no primary function other than to hump. But if you’re not a fan of canine-based sex humor, work in an environment that might frown on such an item or just need a reminder to do your daily exercise, the crunching dog variety might just be a better fit: Do I even have to say that these little novelties come from Japan, just like our favorite Unnecessary item, the Cornbrator? [...]
Alice // March 2, 2009 at 7:05 pm
yup, its from the yaoi Boku no Sexual Harassment.
permit me to explain, this one guy kidnaps and sodomises his co-worker. So then their boss shows up and drugs the guy, ties him up and violates him with corn… because he likes bourbon, which is aparently made of corn. He also empties a bottle of bourbon in him…
fun times!
Anon // May 14, 2009 at 5:39 am
“You realize, of course, that the use of “boku” as the possessive subject marker makes this a specifically gay, or at least queer device, as it is used either by men or by women who want to sound like men, so that to own one’s sexual harassment through “boku no” becomes an act of self-reflexive gender masquerade whichever way it works.”
@BRB: Um, no. “Boku” is in no way a possessive, nor any kind of marker, nor is it even necessarily always in subject position. It is simply a singular first person pronoun used for younger guys, and sometimes used by younger women. Also, there is nothing reflexive about it. At all. The particle “no” is the possessive marker here, and it indicates that the act of the sexual harassment (or possibly the experience of having been sexually harassed) belongs to the person identified as “boku.” Finally, this first person pronoun is not gay at all. It is simply less mature, and may well be used by the uke (“catcher”) for that reason.
Yeah, that yaoi was fun times.