Wordsmoker.com Is Now Active – Please Change Your Bookmarks

By VirusWithEnormousHeadache

Okay everyone – the site has been migrated over to http://wordsmoker.com/. The old WordPress blog you’re currently reading won’t be updated by any more new posts, as everything will be done on the new site. Please click on the above link to take yourselves there, and update your bookmarks.

For Wordsmokers: To post, on the left sidebar there’s now a link saying “Write Post”. Click on that – it will take you to a WordPress Login screen. Important! It’s not the same as the old one, because you’re on a completely new server which doesn’t know your password, so you’ll have to click on the link that says “Lost Your Password“. It’ll ask for your email address – input that, and a new password for this site will be sent to you.

After that, you can log-in using this new password and change it to what it was or whatever suits you now.

Also - the snazzy new commenting system has not been enabled yet as it’s showing signs of being broken. I’ve contacted the support folks and asked for an answer, but until then, it’s back to the usual system.

Also – the new site is still undergoing changes, so it may look at tad unfinished at the moment. I wanted it to get up and running asap, though, so please excuse the slight differences in looks and behaviour.

Any problems or questions, mail wordsmoker (at) gmail (dot) com and I’ll get to them asap.

Art Investor’s Forum

by Adam Streeter

As the President of the Utah Chapter of the Society for the Preservation of False Hope, I’ve watched with a concerned eye as confidence in our national economy has plummeted. I’m constantly getting phone calls from people eager to preserve their false hope, wondering just what it is they should be doing with the little money they have left. Real estate is out, and there aren’t even that many great Ponzi schemes left. Therefore, it is my professional opinion that we must look to the art world for our investment returns.

I’m not talking about dropping a few million on a Warhol. The days of record-breaking auctions are over, and it’s time we turn to the unknown artists for real financial security.

All the good unknown artists, however, are horrifically expensive, and if tracking the art world for a whopping seven years has taught me anything, it’s that people love to discover crap and overvalue the hell out of it.

That’s why I suggest you invest all of your money in bad artwork.

Your Next Vegetarian Meal Could Be A Tofucken!

by Adam Streeter

Not to be outdone, vegetarians have come up with their own answer to everyone’s favorite culinary abomination, the Turducken. In case you’ve never heard of it, a Turducken is a turkey which has been stuffed with a duck, which in turn has been stuffed with a chicken.

But vegetarians naturally wouldn’t want to eat an animal which has been stuffed with two other animals. So Stefany Anne Golberg of Table Matters decided to make a veg-friendly version of this shameful dish, aptly dubbed the Tofucken.

Complete with a sculpted turkey head to add that much-needed kick in the balls, the Tofucken is essentially turkey substitute stuffed with duck substitute stuffed with chicken substitute, all resting on a bed of vegetarian cornbread stuffing. Yum!

Recipe at [Table Matters]

Monday Morning Maya

by Adam Maya Angelou

Hello, all of you phenomenal daughters out there! I’ve just learned why the caged bird really sings. No, it’s not something schmultzy… it’s because even caged birds can’t get enough of Jimmy Dean’s Chocolate Chip Pancakes and Sausage on a stick! I first stumbled upon this culinary curiosity in one of my local Wal-Mart Supercenters. “What’s this?” I asked, as I pulled the frosty box from its icy prison and held it in my hand. Little did I know I was about to embark on a breakfast adventure unlike any I’d ever had!

Jimmy Dean’s Chocolate Chip Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick

by Maya Angelou

This fallic breakfast

Reminiscent of the Gods’ own fertile appendages

Worshipped ceaselessly by my quivering mouth

As I behold their greatness.

I have found this ecstasy in you,

Jimmy Dean’s Chocolate Chip Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick.

I bite into your meaty countenance,

Your spongy warmth,

And immediately my mouth is awash with

Rich flavors,

My nose absorbing your sweet and bitter musk.

Beefy sausage

Wrapped in golden pancake crust,

All to delight my tastebuds

And to tickle my tongue

With its butt’ry softness.

And what’s this?

Bursts of sweet, milky chocolate

Deeper and richer than the night sky

Tempting me with their ancient cry.

I will heed the call!

Jimmy Dean’s Chocolate Chip Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick,

Upon your wooden perch you sit,

Whirling in my microwave as I come back for seconds.

One of you is enough to satisfy this woman’s urges.

But why stop at one when the family pack comes

with a whopping fourteen?

Wordsmoker Update: Weekend Upgrade

By VirusWithFingersCrossed

Hello Internet Reader

Over the weekend Wordsmoker is being migrated to a different host. This will hopefully go smoothly. When it re-awakes from it’s slumber, it will look different, and will be enabled with a snazzy new commenting system. We’ll be testing everything out after the migration, but if something looks broken, or doesn’t behave properly, please drop us a line and we’ll look into it asap.

Thanks for your patience!

Somali Pirates 1, Saudi Cowards 0

by AARON ALTMAN

Just one day after the U.S. announced it would lead a game of “Battleship” against the dreaded yet PR-savvy Somali pirates, the owners of a Saudi oil tanker – which was held for ransom for more than two months – caved in and paid $3 million so they could get their boat back.

Impeached Blago Quotes Tennyson, Makes Prop Babies Cry

Rod Blagojevich tries, fails to distract media with collection of human interest stories

by AARON ALTMAN

The Illinois House of Representatives formally impeached governor Rod Blagojevich today, forcing the not-indicted but talkative Blagojevich to come out of hiding and quote poetry in a last-ditch attempt to save, um his dignity?  We’re not sure.

Tax Cuts Are Dumb

By ADismalScience

Barack “Shiny Tie” Obama today laid out plans to offer a $1,000 tax cut to 95% of Americans. Basically, all of America is now defined as the “middle class” except for the psychotically wealthy.  Yes we did invalidate demographics!

The Littlest Loser

By Nard

Lately, I can’t seem to turn on my television or computer without seeing something about “The Biggest Loser.”  While I support the exploitation of the morbidly obese, images from the program fill me with sadness because they remind me that I was a fat child.  I wasn’t circus-side-show fat, but I was very rotund and very, very insecure.  This insecurity led me to voluntarily participate in an event that haunts me to this day.

5 Second Movie Review: Synecdoche, New York

Saw it two times opening weekend.  The first time, I mostly laughed.  The second time, I mostly cried.